SIGNS OF CHILD ABUSE

If you suspect (or know)someone you love may be in an abusive relationship, it would be wise to observe their children for signs of child abuse also. Little ones rarely speak out in situations like this. In some cases they might even think it is normal! It is not fair for these children to have to live this way. You can debate all day about 'privacy' or 'minding your own business' but if the mother or caregiver cannot protect their own children for whatever reason, I believe it would be the communities responsibility to intervene. No child should be left in an abusive situation! Please remember there will be physical AND behavioral signs that indicate abuse.Chronic clothing problems (dirty,out of season,ill-fitting), frequent bruising/injury,low self esteem,flinching at sudden movements are some signs and there are many more. Alot of times these signs do not ALWAYS mean the child is abused but it would be wise to be vigilant and use good judgement. If you honestly think it is a situation of child abuse you should take the steps necessary to intervene for the childs sake.

PERSONAL PROTECTION ORDER

One of the resources available to you is the personal protection order.This option may worry you as you may think it will make your abuser even more angry, and honestly in most cases it might but if your past the point where you already left him,and trying to put your life together it will come in handy. It is not an instant 'stop terrorizing me' fix, but when they violate the order enough times they WILL end up in jail.It is the law.When you go down to your local courthouse to file for your personal protection order sometimes you may directly speak to the judge, but all times you will be required to WRITE a complaint.Try very hard to be as graphic as possible, list everything they have done to you,your kids,your family.Tell what they have threatened you with.List (or attach) phone records where you were harassed.List witnesses to ANY type of abuse from this person.(ex: co-worker spotted abuser driving around parking lot)Use the paper they provide and yes they will give you more.This is the beginning of ending it and your words on paper will last and be seen in future complaints.Look at it this way, if he threatened to 'burn your house down' and 3 months later when you file a complaint for him throwing a cocktail through your picture window..hmm...A bad mistake many women make when filing P.P.O's is being very vague."I feel threatened because he hit me alot when we were together" is not gonna cut it! Be truthful and show your emotion best you can.Let the judge see because they cannot read your mind!
After the personal protection order is approved and in effect, document on paper and by police report EVERY TIME he violates it! This is the most important part!And he probally will violate it.He will not go to jail for his crime unless you play an active part of enforcing it.When he calls...police report....when he comes to your work...police report...ect.Who cares if the cops get annoyed? That is their job! They are not going to come to you and say..."hey is so and so staying away?"I know this is hard and scary but it is very important to FOLLOW THROUGH!!

AFTER ABUSE

As there are many long term effects of domestic violence, it is still possible to return order to your life.Feelings of anxiety in social situations is very common.You may sometimes feel 'out of place' while people are talking,carrying on and socializing.You may even have panic attacks.It is very hard to feel or act like a 'normal' person after an abusive relationships.You may not trust people in general or question their motives without even realizing it right away.YOU ARE NORMAL!When you have learned a certain behavior over time it is very hard to just act different.It will take time to get back what you have lost.But you will be even better in the end.Every part of our lives define who we are today.It is up to you to accept who you are and grow from it.Some people take medication for their anxiety. While it may help one person it may not help another. I chose to directly deal with my anxiety but recognizing when it is happening,why it may be and how to naturally calm myself down.Either way this is one thing you NEED to address if it is happening to you.http://http://www.womentowomen.com/symptoms/anxiety.aspx?id=1&campaignno=anxiety&adgroup=ag1anxiety&keywords=anxiety+help This is a good link for information on that subject and treatments as well.It has nothing to do with domestic violence but it does have alot of useful information.
Another thing we need to work on is our relationships with the ones who surround us.Namely our children.Surely they have suffered through this too and their way of thinking and behaviors need to be addressed.They might have been abused also, or they might have suffered from the side effects such as neglect or emotional neglect.While you were in that stressful abusive situation did you ever find yourself reading to your child, volunteering at school, playing ball,going to the show and spending quiet time talking all on your own?If you were lucky enough to that's great! But many women unintentionally push their children to the side.Its time to mend these relationships.Better late than never.And you should try-for their sake and yours!

LETTER TO ABUSER

Dear Lousy human being,

Your right, you won't hit me again! I won't give you a chance.I tried to put myself in your shoes.What happened to you to make you like this?You must of had a bad childhood? That woman you loved when she betrayed you?Guess what? I DON'T CARE.You are evil and there is no cure for you.Don't blame your actions on what happened to you in your past.You are not living in reality.While your busy checking the mileage on the car, calling back numbers,checking the times on my receipts and all the other non-productive things you do you are wasting valuable living time.While you scrounge around trying to find something to fight about I am secretly planning to leave your sorry *ss. Yeah stupid, I'll accept your apology and I'll tell you I'm sorry that the water meter reader came over. Yeah I deserved a smack and a hair pull for that one.You betcha!The sunglasses were the best.How dare I wear shades?Your right, I WAS just looking at other men.That hit was well deserved.Boy your so smart!You got me! By the way, I didn't need that letter from my mom that I found in the trash. No, why would I want my mom to write me? Who talks to their mother? Or any family?Your all I need. I was put on this earth to hibernate from the rest of the world next to you in your sick little realm. Oh yeah, when those 2 men whipped into the gas station the other day and took "your" pumped and laughed at you when they were walking in, that was sooooo funny! Why didn't you say something hotshot?!I guess I can take the heat for that one too.Anyway, I'll play your game until I'm ready to go. I'll hold you while you cry like a baby, professing your undying love to me. O.k maybe you will hit me again. The time is coming though, you will be all alone...

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED

Many women and children who escape an abusive relationship often end up in various types of homeless shelters. Many have to leave behind all the simple things we take for granted. If everyone gave just a little it would make it much more comfortable for them in these stressful and desperate times. This is how YOU can help even if you are a busy person. Take a few minutes to gather some items you no longer need/use. (clothing,bedding,canned goods) -or purchase a few toiletries(shampoo,tampons,toothpaste,etc.) and drop it off to your local women's shelter.Yup, that's all! Drop it off on your way to work or when your out and about. It is something simple and easy to do, and you will have helped somebody in need. For a list of local shelters in your area check http://HomelessShelterDirectory.org
To all who already support the battered,homeless even the addicted who want help, THANK YOU!

LEAVING AN ABUSER

It is very hard to think rationally when your in a stressful situation, so I understand this may be easier said than done. If you are fearful for your life or safety you should just GO. All the material things in your life should mean nothing at this point. O.k, so I said it, but I understand how hard it is to leave a situation like that. People looking on the outside say what they will (well it must not be that bad, she's still there -or -well she won't leave so she must like it). It is a lot harder to leave a situation like this than they think. We have many things running through our heads.

If he finds me it will get worse

What about my kids and my job(how will I support them?)

I have no family left around me(he probably made you cut ties long ago)

I can't get the things I (and kids) need out of the house

There are many things we tell ourselves why we cannot leave YET we think about it daily. So...while your thinking about it why not start to put the plan in motion?There are many things you can do to prepare yourself without ANYONE knowing.

Before everything you do, arrange a trusted friend to let you use their address, or if you have money rent a P.O box. You will need this as you prepare to leave.

The first thing you will want to do is make sure you have all your important papers in order. If you do not have access to original birth certificates and social security cards, find out where you can get another one. Call the hospital/city/ where you were born. Tell them you lost it. Find out where to go to get it, how much it will cost.Sense your just THINKING about leaving this gives you time to do this. Call Social Securityhttp://http//www.socialsecurity.gov/ and find out how to get another card(s). (remember to use 'new' address/P.O for all correspondence. ) Next you will have to open another bank account. Do not use the same bank you currently use. Even a few dollars stashed away over time adds up. Do not go crazy with it where 'he' will question where your money is going. Oh yeah, if the bank wants to know why your address is different than on you license, tell them you JUST moved and show a piece of mail sent to the "new" address. If your feeling real brave start moving small things your going to need to that trusted friend or relatives house. Clothing, toiletries,sentimental items and stuff like that. A couple pairs of jeans at a time shouldn't be noticed. Remember not to tell your small children what you are planning as they might accidentally say something. These are just some small things you can do while you think about leaving. The more simple things you do the stronger you will get I can almost promise that. And even when your in a 'good time ' with your abuser when he's not hurting you and he 'loves' you and you think he will change. DO NOT let yourself feel guilty for preparing yourself. That is a part of this vicious cycle and why women have a hard time leaving. Guilt. While your in this guilty stage, tell yourself there was no harm done in preparing to leave. Think of it as insurance, and you will be happy you did the next time it starts. And you will be just a little stronger.

ARE YOU WITH AN ABUSER?

If your a woman in a relationship with an abuser you will not have to ask yourself that question.You will know.If your relationship is just starting out and you are already spotting the signs please get away quickly!You may be reading this because you are unsure...or a loved one is in this situation. Let me assure you that people never fully change.You cannot change somebody else. A good saying I like to use is "If you can"t change the people around you, then change the people around you!"Some of the classic signs of an abuser include #1 unwarranted jealousy-Does he try to keep you from family or friends? Does he questions your relationships with co-workers? Does he not want you to meet his friends? #2 control- Does he tell you how to dress? Does he tell you where and when you can leave for an outing? Does he want to know how you spend every dime? #3 Blamer-Does he blame his family or others for his failures? Now these signs do not necessarily mean you are with an abuser, but you should be careful and stand your ground in the BEGINNING. You will soon see if you need to leave this relationship. Physical abuse is not the only kind by the way! Mental abuse is just as bad, sometimes worse, so if your already being verbally assaulted it is better just to get out now because that will NEVER change and may escalate to violence.